A Humourous Look into Some Whatchamacallit Viruses

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If you are like us and you are open to some humour as well as a much needed break from all of the COVID19 news, then you have come to the right spot.  As I lie awake in bed the other night, I thought about some of the ‘illnesses’ which I am sure that I have either contracted personally or witnessed over the years.  Maybe you are familiar with some of the ones that I am about to list, so let’s take a closer look at five of them.

CHOCOMANIA is more common with us women than men, but it is known to hit both genders so no one is immune.  It often peaks when one is tired or stressed, though it is known to strike at any given time in any one place.  You do not need to worry about passing it along as it is not contagious.  Beware though, as sometimes simply watching one who suffers from this affliction is cause for you to also come down with it.  You should know that once the sickness sets in, it slowly seeps into your pores taking over more and more real estate in your body leaving you needing/wanting more of it.  Unlike most illnesses in which you wish to quickly rid yourself of its effects, this disease creates desirous, even euphoric feelings which make it very tricky to treat.  I mean, who doesn’t want feelings of pure and simple euphoria?!  On second thought, maybe it is one of the few viruses that one should not rush into trying to find a cure for.  Instead, it might be best to treat it as is necessary without going overboard if you can help it :-).

To Note: the first signs of Chocomania begin with a craving for something sweet, but it is important to mention that the taste of something sugary alone will not suffice.  Indeed, one MUST consume products containing cocoa, preferably with a high-fat content and the more caffeine it touts, the better.  Of course, we all know that otherwise limiting such ingredients has been well-documented, but in this case, it appears that allowances can and should be made ;-).  After all, it is a sickness and it has to be treated as such with known, accredited medicines.  The good news is that daily prescriptions can be found readily in stores, pharmacies and online world-wide.  Should you find yourself coming down with a case of Chocomania, be sure to look for the following companies known to mass produce various types and quantities of remedies sure to fit your needs:  Hershey, Cadbury, Nestle, Lindt, Purdy’s, Ghirardelli, Bernard Callebaut, and Godiva to name a few.  When sampling and searching for which product will work most effectively for you, be careful to read the entire label so that you do not overdose.

Disclaimer:  I am not personally liable for any undesirable consequences that may result if you should happen to overindulge when treating your specific case of Chocomania.

SOREALLOVA (sore-all-ova) appears to be an age-related ailment affecting many of us for no apparent reason whatsoever.  Some people have reported that it begins in their late 30’s, but it becomes far more widespread in one’s forties. Soreallova often starts with one part of the body and soon spreads to other body parts with no real resolve leaving middle age folks feeling frustrated and yes, sometimes cranky.  It usually occurs when performing simple activities, however it has also been known to strike spontaneously during the night and/or upon waking.  Extremities and major joints/muscle groups, namely arms, legs, hips, shoulders, wrists, elbows and lower backs are most commonly affected.  It is NOT to be confused with the medical communities’ diagnoses of various forms of arthritis causing swelling, pain, aching discomfort and reduced mobility, though symptoms may well be similar.  Soreness is the number one complaint of folks with Soreallova (hence, sore is the first syllable of its name) along with unusual clicking and popping sounds. Body parts afflicted can end up feeling ‘out of place’ and worst of all, they NEVER seem to return to the same normal working condition afterward.  Never.  Lifting, twisting, turning, bending over, heck even lying in bed become challenging tasks as does sitting and standing for too long. This annoying condition leaves A LOT to be desired and only seems to worsen with age much to the chagrin of its sufferers.

Unfortunately, Soreallova is something that many of us are forced to live with and tolerate as best we can.  There are ways to cope, but I do not recommend many of them as they have a tendency to…well, a tendency to lead to other issues if you know what I mean.  That being said, a discretionary drink or indulgence of sorts can ease one’s troubles, but only temporarily.  A self-induced state of Chocomania may also assist certain individuals on a longer-term basis.  It goes without saying that if you are fortunate enough to have a benefits plan of sorts, you should NOT put off seeking treatment thinking that your issues will go away on their own.  Do not try to ‘exercise it out’ either, as it will surely only exacerbate the problem(s).  Instead, take full advantage of what your health insurance can offer, but always read the fine print first.  If plausible, I highly suggest employing a small army of paraprofessionals to assist in keeping your body functioning.  Notice that I said functioning.  For people with Soreallova, your focus will need to shift from one of striving to achieve optimal fitness (those days are over, aka ‘ova’) to one of maintaining basic mobility and day-to-day function.  Please keep in mind that whilst a team of chiropractors, massage therapists, acupuncturists, physiotherapists and the like can help to lessen symptoms, they are not miracle workers.  They are there to simply preserve what is left of you.

PAVLOV’S PINGS AND DINGS (AKA ‘P & D’) is definitely a modern-day pandemic affecting all age groups spanning many countries across the globe.  Its name pays tribute to the famous Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov, whose theory about classical conditioning associates initially neutral stimulus with a meaningful stimulus.  It appears that like animals, we can, and in fact, are becoming overwhelmingly conditioned to respond to the ‘pings and dings’ of our digital environment.

How to Self-Diagnose: 

1. Similar to Pavlov’s dogs in his experiment, you find your body responding automatically, such as an increased heart rate and sweaty palms, to every ping and ding of your device as you inevitably await ground breaking news–you know really important things like:  Shirley’s healthy chocolate muffin recipe.  Leo’s Instagram picture of his new dresser.  Bob’s third text announcing that he is bored.
2. With each incoming message, your curiosity gets the best of you and you find it VERY difficult to wait even a few nanoseconds to see what is behind the attention-grabbing sound.
3. You suddenly drop household tasks, stop face-to-face conversations and even halt working to sneak a peak at what is behind the snippet of words or images which have been so urgently sent to your inbox for perhaps the hundredth time that day.
4. Ironically, if you develop Pavlov’s Pings and Dings, you may actually find that your peripheral vision and acuity improve and that the length of your neck increases as you continually strain to catch glimpses of your screen.  On the contrary, looking down at your messages too often may result in a double and/or sagging chin.  Reportedly, face yoga has been known to combat this otherwise nasty aging effect.  I recommend checking your profile in the mirror often.  Better yet, take multiple, daily selfies to view your face from various angles and practice your yoga moves.
5. Lastly, you KNOW with one hundred percent certainty that you have P & D disease when you are not in plain sight of your digital counterpart and/or you are unable to check into your latest social media accounts eliciting a sudden flood of sheer panic and anxiety.  Special note:  these ‘flight or fight’ feelings become exponentially heightened if your phone or tablet has been left behind or worse yet, is nowhere to be found.  God forbid!!!

Known Treatment:  You can rid yourself of all of your digital devices and rediscover living life in the real world by using olden day tools of communication:  the telephone, snail mail and something called face-to-face interactions–that is, if you can manage to find others who wish to do the same.

Speaking of technology, I have NO idea where I left my i-Phone... UH-OH!  GOTTA GO!!!!

SUPERDUPERFOG is the perfect segway from where I left off under Pavlov’s Pings and Dings (found my phone by the way–WHEW!), as Superduperfog refers to those individuals like me whom operate in a perpetual state of forgetfulness.  Since my husband also suffers from this illness, it appears not to be gender specific.  On the other hand, similar to Soreallova, this condition is definitely more common amongst middle age people though no one is exempt from its foggy wrath.

Common signs/symptoms include:

• Getting up to get something and forgetting where you are going and why in a matter of seconds.  Interestingly enough, you always manage to find your way to the fridge and/or pantry on your way back.
• Forgetting where you put everyday things and finding them later in uncanny places, i.e. your margarine container in the microwave.
• Losing your train of thought in the middle of speaking to others, especially when you are trying to make a good point compelling you to save face with the ‘fake it till you make it’ strategy.  (Unfortunately, this half-ass decoy is a surefire miss since your short-term memory lapses will take you so far away from the original topic that the other person will take great pleasure in calling you out.).
• Going to the grocery store for one or two items and coming out with a plethora of other things minus the items that you went into the store to buy despite having a list which was either left behind or… forgotten about while shopping :-(.
• Being unable to think of simple words thereby making up your own vocabulary as you go along.  Strangely enough, if you have a mate with Superduperfog, they not only seem to be able to understand your newly developed language, but they actually respond appropriately to it.

If two or more of the aforementioned signs apply to you, you are likely victim to the endemic Superduperfog.  I would gladly suggest some strategies that you could try to help combat this all-encompassing virus, but I can’t seem to remember any of them at the moment ;-).

SELFIE ARM is susceptible to all generations and is known to peak as early as one’s teen years and twenties, but it is also prevalent through middle age.  The good news is that it is usually contained to a person’s arm, though it can affect neighbouring joints and muscle groups (i.e. shoulder, hand, neck).

Most everyone knows that selfies are the practice of taking portraits of yourself and posting them on various social media outlets.  Due to a seemingly uncontrollable obsession to obtain the ultimate selfie picture in the best light with the most pleasing angle, Selfie Arm develops from repeated contortions to one’s arm while posing.  Its onset is usually gradual wherein the individual begins to feel pain and stiffness with normal arm movements eventually leading to numbness, overstretching and even a misshapen limb.  Yikes!

Selfie sticks have been known to minimize Selfie Arm, but many people avoid using them since they do not wish to get caught in the act of taking their own picture for fear of coming across as self-absorbed.  Well, guess what?!  There is ABSOLUTELY no need to worry about others’ judgements of you since they are likely engaged in similar acts causing them to be so pre-occupied with creating their own perfect image that they have no time to look at what you are doing.  So, go ahead and purchase whatever tools you need to avoid any unnecessary strains.  While some people have also been known to use mirrors and the like to aid in their selfie efforts, we all know that those types of portraits are less than favourable.  Without using a camera, I can tell you that my reflected image in various mirrors can be quite frighteningly distorted.  Ladies know this one all too well during swimsuit season especially!

Although Selfie Arm is not yet classified as a serious condition, longitudinal studies on the matter have yet to be completed.  If you are interested in becoming a study participant, you will want to regularly document the size, range of motion and length of your selfie arm. And, for heaven’s sake, be sure to do what is necessary to capture the very best shot of yourself in case researchers choose you ;-).

AS A FINAL DISCLAIMER, I would like to remind you that I am just a part-time blogger and that my descriptions of my encounters with Whatchamacallit viruses are NOT based on one ounce of sound medical knowledge or accreditation.  However, I will gladly take credit if any of my musings today have produced a smile or a giggle.  Stay well my friends!