“Awful Tired Now, Boss”

You might have heard the following quote before: “Awful tired now, boss.”. Indeed, if you have ever watched the captivating Stephen King flick, The Green Mile, character John Coffey will likely come to mind. Hearing his words, do you know who else comes to mind? Me. That’s who. In fact, “I’m dog-tired” to steal another one of Mr. Coffey’s phrases. I’m not sure if I’ve ever been as tired before in my life actually.

Like most everyone else, I am, of course, pandemic weary for the multitude of reasons that we all are. Tired of: on-going restrictions, the COVID protocols, the fear of becoming or making others ill, the unknowns, the same old routine, our year-long plus staycation, etc. I think it’s more than that though. Maybe?!

I mean, I am another year older pushing closer to my fifth decade with each passing minute. That has to have something to do with it, doesn’t it? Then, there’s the fact that I was on medical leave for a year a few short months ago and returning to my crazy work schedule has been an effort in and of itself. I’ve also had to isolate twice over the past few months and I’m at high-risk of isolating again leaving me on edge. I’m beyond tired of our government’s ineptness and irresponsibility in dealing with the pandemic such that we find ourselves in the compromising situation that we are in here in Canada—a first-world country obviously lacking in self-sufficiency. So, yeah, to sum it all up, I think I’m encroaching on what the rest of society refers to as burn-out territory, but here’s the thing… I can’t afford to be. My holidays are over two months away yet and there is a lot to accomplish between now and then. To be honest, it seems daunting. But, I tell myself, ‘Well, you’ve made it this far. Surely, you can do a few more measly weeks.’. Maybe?!

Definitely, I am in survival mode. Everything feels like more of an effort than it should be. Even the simple things. Basic housework is all that I can seem to manage and bigger projects continue to wait until who knows when. Yard work is a bit more enticing because I get to be outside, feeling one with nature and all, but it’s still work. I’m tired of work. Mostly, I’m tired of being tired. Every time I get asked, “How are you doing?”, my answer is always the same, “Tired.” Sometimes, I avoid calling/talking to others just so that I don’t have to hear myself respond with the same old word. Again. I could try to lie, but I suck at lying. Plus, those who know me well, can see/hear right through me. If I could just muster up some energy from somewhere, that would surely change things. Maybe?!

Imagine how I’d be feeling if I didn’t do my daily exercises and walks. I’m sure that it’d be a whole lot worse. Thankfully, I also eat pretty decently, although I could do better with my water intake. Wearing a mask all week long definitely makes finding time to drink more challenging, but at least I am aware of it. The weekends are by far my saving grace. Luckily, I have an extra day off than most—not so lucky for my paycheque, however. I’m okay with that, though. My sanity comes first. Every second Friday (when I purposely try not to schedule any appointments) has become my comatose day wherein my rocker-recliner and I get well-acquainted. Sometimes, I feel guilty about not accomplishing much, but most of the time, I don’t even care. It is what it is. If I could nap well, I would, but good sleep is a hot commodity these days, nighttime included. The more I will it, the more it evades me. Funny how that works?! I’m so tuckered out that you think it would be the opposite in that I’d be able to sleep for weeks and weeks. It feels like it anyway. Soon, maybe?!

At my age, you never want to wish time away since it already goes by so quickly, but if I could fast forward to July and August this one year, that would be really, really great. On the other hand, once the start of July comes, so does the countdown for back-to-work, as sad as it is to say. So, I will do my best to muddle through the next couple of months all the while knowing that my revered summer holidays in their entirety lie ahead waiting, waiting, waiting… just for me. Perhaps, during that time off, I will find my get-up and go before it gets up and goes. Maybe?!

(Sorry if I’ve made you sleepy after reading this… )

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