I’m feeling a little out of sorts today–mostly I think that I am kind of annoyed with myself. I’ve even chosen to skip my favourite Saturday morning ritual of indulging in my Hula Daddy coffee in lieu of my half-ass decaf standby. Now that is bad, isn’t it?! My fellow java connoisseurs will know what I mean. The truth is that I know that it is wise to skip my Hawaiian coffee indulgence since the caffeine buzz will likely add to my mood today. I don’t need that and neither does my husband. I don’t want to get you down either, but it does feel good to share in good times and bad with others. All of our posts/days/experiences can’t be happy ones or magical in nature I suppose. Sometimes, it’s good to just get down and dirty and real about things. You know what I mean?
I’m trying to ride out the wave here and acknowledge what’s really going on behind how I am feeling instead of fighting it which is instinctual for most of us. I know I need to work through it…I’ve done it before and I will do it now. It just so happens that I don’t really feel like delving into it all, but I can’t very well dish out advice to others about dealing with feelings as readily as I do and not heed my own advice. Well, I could and I hate to admit it, but I have done exactly that many times before–the trouble is that I know when I am doing it and thus, sooner or later I have to face the music. Isn’t it always way easier to advise someone else in matters versus digging deep within yourself to sort things out? In fact, distracting myself with others’ problems, which I happen to love helping with, is one of my go-to coping strategies, but obviously it’s not very effective. Darn it anyway!
I’m sure that many of you have felt similar to me at some point over the past while given all that is happening in our ever-changing, upside-down worlds. But I know that my issues aren’t COVID-19 related. It’s me. Personally and professionally. I have some decisions to make. Some changes are about to ensue and change is always a tough one. Obviously as we all have just learned, change is inevitable, like it or not. And change doesn’t always have to have a negative connotation, does it? Usually good ends up coming from it. It will be important for me to monitor my own self-talk though as the ‘glass half-empty’ syndrome often seems to win over. That one, I will try to fight!
Truthfully, this whole year has been really weird for me. For the first time in twenty-five years of working, I have been off on a medical leave for months now. Away from all of the usual hustle and bustle of my otherwise very busy job, and I think that is definitely where part of my feeling off originates. I feel very disconnected from my career which at the heart of it has actually been really good and necessary for me to be able to focus on my recovery and healing, but it has also placed some awkward distance between myself, the goings-on and my colleagues, some of whom I have been very close with for many years. It’s been different. While I have had some forms of contact, I cannot really contribute much to the conversations in our group chats, usually work-related, and on a more personal level, not everyone understands exactly what I’ve gone through this past while, and how could they? To be clear, I am not looking for sympathy, it’s just that I think some have viewed my ‘time off’ as desirable with comments such as, “It must be nice!” or “Aren’t you ready to come back yet?” which silently hasn’t always been well-received. I am not blaming them because unless one is faced with similar types of challenges, a person has no real idea of knowing what a particular experience would be like. It’s just how life works. You can only truly judge when you’ve walked in another’s shoes and even then, can you really compare one person to another in a given situation? No, you can’t.
The thing is that work-wise, our staff is now at the stage wherein we are looking ahead to the upcoming months and how things are going to operate, both with facing major budget cuts and COVID-19 protocols. Because of that, I have recently found out that my ten-year job-share partner is going to have to go to full-time work, which means that my revered day off each week that she used to cover is in the lurch. My boss is looking into options for covering that day as we speak and I know that he will do his best to accommodate me for which I am grateful, but I do worry about how it will look or if it will even work. As in any job, rumours are already floating around about my position and many other things that are up in the air at the moment and I guess it just makes me uncomfortable, especially given that I can’t be there in person to get a better feel for it all. I also don’t want to perpetuate the rumour mill which admittedly I have been caught up in now and again as of late, and that’s where my self-disappointment is rooted. I don’t like being in midst of, “Did you hear….? What about….? I wonder if…?”. I pride myself in minding my own business for the most part and keeping to myself. But, let’s be totally honest here…. Everyone, myself included, has participated in a form of gossip at one time or another. I am usually very mindful of it though, and I try to stay away from it as much as possible. Therein lies my other issue, however.
The nature of some of my relationships and long-time friendships have drifted somewhat and I sense some underlying tension and talk that is going on which I would like to confront. Of course, I could be wrong, but usually my Spidey senses pick up on things accurately. I like it best when people are up front and lay the cards on the table. That’s how I was raised. I might well have said or done some things that I am unaware of and if I have, I would like to know about it/them so that I can address it/them. I don’t want to dance around the subject or find out about it from someone else or have to read minds or undertones. Nothing gets solved that way and it usually only results in further resentment. I’ve gone down that road before obviously as have you I’m sure. I say no thank you to that. I’m too old to entertain any of it and quite frankly, I just don’t have the energy for it. I’d rather use what oomph I have left for the positive and to try to make things right somehow, if possible or even necessary, realizing that that may look and/or sound different to each party involved. In other words, it might turn out that I will have to agree to disagree with others and hopefully, if so, we can move on from there. If not, well then... that’s a different kind of post.
So Sue… what are you going to do about all of this?
Well, first off job-wise, I promised myself this weekend that I am not going to listen to or draw any more conclusions from hear-say without speaking directly to the person involved, i.e. my boss in the case of my job-share position and what might happen to me when I am able to return to work. No more rumour mill and ‘what if’s’ for this girl. Secondly, with respect to my relationships… well, that’s going to be a bit of process for me to work through with respect to what exactly it is that I want to say and what I want to have happen out of my conversations. As with most people of a nurturing nature especially, I am uncomfortable with one-on-one confrontations of a potentially serious matter, but I have also learned from my past that you cannot ignore them forever. Issues do not resolve on their own and the only way to get through them is to address them head-on. And, so I will. Likely, I will have to give myself a deadline so that I don’t purposefully put things off. I like to procrastinate when I foresee that something might be hard or messy in a matter of speaking, but really what I am waiting for? It will just breed more inner angst. Again, thanks, but no thanks.
Well, there you have it…. ‘talking’ through my thoughts has helped me gain more clarity about my feelings and what I need to do. Writing it down also now means that I cannot choose to forget about it. Darn again! When it’s written in black and white for all to see, it keeps me accountable; a helpful strategy to deal with many things in reality. Sometimes, I wish that I didn’t know as much as I do about these things because then I wouldn’t have to act on them. Do I really wish that, though? The answer is no. I prefer being in the know–then I can actually do something about it instead of having it done unto me. Knowledge leads to choice and choice is power!
Cheers to POSITIVE change and all things good from being honest with myself and others!