I am re-posting this blog that I wrote exactly one year ago today. Though on the longer side, it is worth the read to see if you and your underwear are in fact harmonious. Of course, given the title, it is all meant in good fun. Enjoy:-).
Did you know that your choice of underwear speaks volumes about you as a person? It’s true! My empirically-based data says so. And, those of you who choose to go commando, well…you know that people will definitely draw their own conclusions about you regardless, so I think I’ll just leave that one alone. You are on your own to bare it all, if you know what I mean;-).
Let’s face it…as adults, we all have a preference for what we like to wear under our clothing, and we all have good reasons for doing so. Though there are predictable ages and stages, most of us settle into our favourite ‘undies’ routine sooner or later–I know that I certainly have. At the end of this post, see if you and your personality fit into one of the many categories. Without further ado, let’s get into it…
The Different Kinds of Skivvies.
The thong. ‘OMG!’, as texters would say. What I want to know is why even bother wearing anything at all? I mean, does the string really serve any purpose other than to give you a day-long wedgie? I think thong-wearers are pseudo-commando people, who can’t quite make the transition from one to the other for some reason. Maybe, it’s the string that’s holding them back both literally and figuratively. It would hold me back without a doubt. My theory about thong-wearers in North America is that they must be cold, not cold-hearted…just cold. Thong-wearing in Hawaii is one thing, but in the frozen North. Good God! Why? I mean, cheeks make-up A LOT of skin territory. In the middle of winter, which is now seven months of the year it seems, I know that I, personally, try to cover up everything that I have and own that is rightfully mine using nothing less than two to three layers. Letting my cheeks hang out ISN’T an option. But, hey? If it works for you, then glory be! Most people deduce that thong people must be confident to wear so little on a daily basis. Confident? I thought so too, until it occurred to me that most thong-wearers admit that they like donning strings partly because they want to avoid the inevitable ‘panty-line’. I would argue that if you are confident, then you shouldn’t care what others see under your pants, right? Hence, I am not sold on the whole confidence thing. On the other hand, I think that we would ALL agree that our thong folks are all minimalists–not necessarily by nature, but most certainly ‘figure’-atively speaking. Last, but not least, I think that it is safe to say that this group of ‘undie’ wearers likely have a great deal of tenacity. Why? How do I know? Their willingness to hang on by a ‘thread’ in any given situation. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist the back-to-back puns here.) All the same, credit to you folks for wearing your thongs with pride. ‘Good on you’, as they say these days.
The boy short. Well, if you are a boy, then this is likely what you are used to. For us ladies, this has been only a more recent development in our choice of underwear. Boy-short wearers are often synonymous with the athletic type. Purported to be very comfortable, it would only make sense that if you are an active person, you would want comfort and likely breathability, which they are also said to offer. Unlike the thong wearer, these people are somewhat conservative. Not only do they NOT let their buttocks hang out, they even manage to cover up the top part of their legs. Needless to say, they usually manage to keep warm in the middle of winter. They are steadfast to their brand, therefore to relationships too, and they likely choose the same colour over and over again. There is a sense of predictability to what they do, and because of that, you can rely on them whenever help is needed. They will undoubtedly show up in your hour of need looking fit and comfortable, and they are willing to donate the extra material that covers up their leg tops should you require it, say like if you were a thong-wearer, maybe.
Hipsters. I believe this one is a ladies only ‘undies’ category. For those who don’t know, these are the kind that go up to your hip bone and not one millimetre farther. Therefore, if you happen to have a little bit of a tummy, these are not exactly a feel-good pair unless you’re looking for an indentation in your abdomen by the day’s end. I don’t know about you, but I don’t usually feel too good about having a red ring of skin reminding me that I could stand to lose a couple of pounds. If hipsters are your favourites, then suffice it to say that you are on the slender’ish side of things and, well….hip! Others admire and look up to you, as you tend to set the trend of what’s cool in ‘undie’ patterns and colours….pretty pink little flowers, lacey waistbands, Spumoni stripes, etc. Indeed, you are the one that the rest of us ‘red-ringers’ aspire to be. But, you are not just a trend-setter in the underclothing department, your artistic, creative side shines through in every aspect of your life-home, job, relationships. You are also the ones who we might pull up next to in traffic and find sitting in a VW Bug, or a boxy Kia. You are not stagnant in any aspect of life. Some might even describe you as a bit of a wanderer, who happily goes through life taking in whatever comes your way, as you enjoy eating quinoa, squash and blueberry flax seeds-together in one concoction, nonetheless. A health nut through ‘n through who loves the idea of tree-planting in northern B.C., and only buys hipsters that are sold in environmentally friendly packages. “Live on….” (insert peace image here.)
Tighty-Whities. Guys….you own this one through and through, and we love you for it!! You are also the ones who are most likely sporting the infamous Speedos on the beach, though that could be debatable, as you might be too cool for those. Often, your type is tall, dark and handsome like Tom Cruise in ‘Risky Business’, well…minus the tall in his case (no offence, Tom). You could step right out of a magazine ad or off of the side of a bus, and women swoon over your ‘buns of steel’ and muscular legs. You might get accused of being a little too full of yourself at times, but likely you don’t really care. Appearance is important to you all the way around and you do your best to keep your spot at the local gym. Just beware that you might literally grow out of this phase of underwear at some point along the way. Should that happen, do not fret–those of you who either aspire for this category and don’t cut it so to speak, or grow out of it, usually end up settling on the next type below.
Briefs. (aka Fruit of the Loom, Hanes & Stanfield’s) Ladies & Gents….welcome to the ‘retired’ group of undergarment-wearers whether it be age, routine or size that lands you here. At minimum, this is the pushing 40’s Club. Yup, these were the kind that our parents/grandparents wore that we SWORE up and down, ‘you’d never catch us dead in’. Well, let’s just say that time sometimes has a way of changing our perception. Notice that I didn’t say that that was a necessarily a good thing or a bad thing. It just is what it and most of us here, accept it. These brief-toting people are loyal, without a doubt. So loyal, in fact, that they are willing to wear their favourite brief name brand to the point of saggy’ness’, holey’ness’ or a combination thereof, often sans waistband. These people are kind and compassionate, and usually couldn’t hurt a fly. Why? Because if they reached up too high to swat one, their ‘undies’ would likely drop the other direction to the floor. Gotta love them for it, though. These are the marrying-kind, folks. So, if you’re single and shopping, head to the underwear department and keep your eye out for the ‘peeps’ who reach for the infamous bulk package of bargain briefs. They are your best bet for a happy life. If times are tough, like the literal holes in their ‘gitch/ginch/gonch’ (however you refer to them), they won’t give up on you. Nothing or no one gets cast aside with them. Guaranteed.
Boxers. This is the ‘loosey-goosey’ crew by far. Ladies, if you are looking for commitment out of a boxer guy, turn around fast before you get taken in by their initial charm and appeal. While these fellows take pride in their appearance and like to dress for success, they are not always dependable. Much like their ever-changing styles of boxers, they are face-changers in a heartbeat. Now, I am not saying that they aren’t nice guys, they just have trouble staying put. They get bored easily and are always looking for a challenge. In the business world, they could be a great asset to many organizations, as they strive to reach lofty goals that the rest of us wouldn’t dare to touch. However, their need for one-upmanship might not forebode well into the future. At a party, you will be dazzled by these people time and time again, and they are usually the centre of attention. They know what to say, how to say it and they are always aware of their audience. Before you realize it, though, they often slip out of the room and out of your life, similar to how they slip out of their boxers at the night’s end, or likely as the night begins, if you know what I mean. But, if you are looking for royal treatment, style, charisma and class, these are your guys (for the short-term, at least).
So, there you have it my friends-a-plenty. My ever so carefully researched (NOT!) synopsis of what your undergarments say about you. Did I nail it or crash? Which category/personality are you? Any guesses about others (notice that I didn’t ask you to guess which one I am)? Next time you are out and about, see if you can guess who adorns which style….betcha you’ll be right in at least half of the cases, if you refer to this list. With real statistics to ‘back it up’ (pun intended), maybe I can even publish this article in the latest Journal of Underwear Research with some real statistics? Not sure I’ll lounge around for the publisher’s call….instead, I think I’ll just enjoy my latest bag of Doritos and reflect on my loyal tendencies. Hope I don’t run into a fly;-).