Toilet Paper 101

Healthy?!  How about a healthy dose of laughter (or at least a few smiles) on a light, completely non-sensical topic for today?  Sit back, relax and enjoy!

Not a fancy topic, maybe, but I am sure that you would agree that this common household item is very necessary in our everyday lives.  And, it is used often.  I know that I am grateful for it, otherwise, bathroom trips could be a little interesting.  Certainly, other people in other countries consider it a luxury.  For most of us who live here, however, it is something that we often take for granted.  But (no pun intended) when push comes to shove…hmmm, interesting choice of words….well, let’s just say that it can be a very debatable, very delicate subject both literally and figuratively.

1) The ‘Roll Over/Roll Under’ Debate.  I know you know this one.  It seems as though we are all very set in our ways with respect to which way the roll should sit on its holder.  I am deadset against the tissue roll going over.  It just isn’t right.  I’ve tried doing it that way because that is my husband’s preference with the roll, but I inevitably end up changing it.  My problem with it is that it doesn’t roll properly.  It’s as if the roll takes over and I have no say in how many squares it doles out, if it allows any at all.  Well, there’s no way that I am going to let toilet tissue dictate the situation.  ‘Uh-uh.  Nope!’  I will decide when and where it will stop.  That’s why I need it to roll under.  I can give it a spin (like the Big Wheel on ‘The Price is Right’) and without a doubt, I can get it to stop just where I need it to.  I have really developed a talent in this department, and I would probably be really good at hitting the good ol’ dollar on the Big Wheel.  Plus, it is way easier to bunch it into the infamous beehive, as they call it.  You know how you wrap it around your hand, over and over until you have just the right amount?  Yup, that’s me to a T.  So, if you are ever out this way for a visit, don’t be surprised to see the ‘roll under’ and now, that I have convinced you of how it should be-feel free to give the roll a good old-fashioned spin.  Betcha, it will feel good!

2)  The Empty Roll.  Really?!  I mean, I think it should be against the law to leave it sitting on the holder for another person to deal with.  Why leave it there?  You know it needs to be changed.  And worse yet, is to have someone open another roll and put it on top of the empty one that’s sitting there rather than taking the old one off first.  Now, come on…that’s just plain lazy!  Or, are you afraid that the holder is going to pinch your precious finger?  Worse than that, though, is the seemingly cunning person who knows better than to leave it empty, so instead they decide to leave a whole one and a half squares (if it even works out to that by the time you attempt to tear it off of the cardboard).  ‘What I am to do with one and half squares?  How can I create my much needed beehive with a couple of measly pieces?’.  Bottom line here-save my bottom and change the darn roll.  Got it?

3)  Pillowy, Plush, Quilted or Extra Tough.  Wow, the choices nowadays!  A whole aisle’s worth in many stores.  And, to think that newspapers and mandarin wrappers were the only saving graces a few short decades ago.  We have more options than we know what to do with.  I mean, we are flushing the stuff down the toilet, right?  Well, we aren’t saving it, I hope?!  And, we are using it in some not so pretty places, dare I say?  So, really, does it matter if it has cute little quilted pockets?  No, it doesn’t.  Do I care if a soft, little, white kitten wraps its tail around the outside of the package?  Nope.  Not going to help me any when the need for tissue is imminent.  I just want something that my hand won’t go through, that is relatively soft to prevent chaffing, and that won’t cost me a small fortune since it’s literally money spent going down the drain.  Add to that, how many plys you want and whether you want single, double or triple rolls?  Oh boy!  By the time, you make a decision here, it’s probably time to use the facilities.  Whatever you do, don’t settle for the ‘no-name’ brand!  It’s ‘no-name’ because no one wants to put their name on it at the risk of getting sued.

4)  Public Toilets.  Hmmm…need I say anything here?  Truth is that I could probably make this numbers 5, 6 and 7 too.  First of all, we all HATE using public washrooms and avoid doing so at all costs for obvious reasons.  Now the irony in this is that the havoc that bestowes us can only be created by the public…which is us!  Toilet paper on the floor, on the seat, in the unflushed toilet along with…well, it really is disgusting, yet someone has to be doing it, right?  I will admit that I am a toilet-seat padder, but I make sure that it all gets flushed away, even if it takes a couple of times.  Of course, seat padding is a story unto itself.  One-ply see-through paper is a little tough to work with, but it can be done with a concerted effort; until the air comes on through the vent and blows it all off leaving you to do it all over again.  Yes, that has happened to me on numerous occasions.  Then, when you are finally seated, it can be eventful trying to gather up the right amount of the transparent sandpaper.  I mean, where does this stuff come from anyway?  Even the ‘no-name’ brand is better than the good ol’ public toilet tissue, and that says a lot in and of itself.  Most of it is recycled cardboard, I figure-at least it acts and feels that way.  And, it goes without saying that empty rolls in a public washroom can be a real problem should you forget to do your due diligence in checking BEFORE you actually sit down.  Have you ever had to ask someone in the next stall for some paper?  I don’t believe that I ever have, but I know that I have been asked to hand some over before.  A bit of an awkward exchange to say the least.  ‘Ummm…here you go’.  My advice, in general?  Continue to avoid using public toilets, even though it’s us, ‘Joe Public’, who uses them.

5)  The Hidden Roll.  Have you ever been out somewhere or at someone’s house and had trouble actually locating the toilet paper roll?  Well, I have.  Most places/people leave extra rolls handy in a neat, tidy, silver holder of some kind, or maybe the old-style crocheted net from one’s grandma?  Truthfully, I’d rather find the roll in a gawdy-looking, pale pink or blue yarn sack than to not be able to find one at all.  Last fall, I was at a retirement party at someone’s house.  Sure enough, the time came to ask for the whereabouts of the lavatory. No problem. In…sitting…going…done….roll?  ‘Hmmm, gotta be here somewhere.  Counter?  No.  Floor?  No.  Behind the toilet?  No.  Ah, behind the door?  No?!  Great, now what?  Panic.  Think.  One last place.  Hmmmm.  Inside the cupboard?!?  YES!!!!  Attached to the inside of the door.  Whew! that was a close one.’  Lesson learned.  Shoulda made the retiree’s gift a neat, tidy, silver roll holder.

6)  Automatic Rolls.  The other day I found myself using the dreaded public toilet from #4, when I discovered that the roll holder was automatic.  You know, the kind where you have to wave your hand at just the right velocity and angle to get it to dispense your ‘allotted’ paper, similar to the paper towel machines.  All I could think of was, ‘God, I hope this thing works and that I have the magic wave signal’.  Thank goodness, it all worked out and I even spotted one of the neat, tidy, silver holders in the corner.  Not within an arm’s reach, but at least it was there for the taking, unlike the hidden roll.  Upon drying my hands at the ridiculous hand blower, also automatic, I did notice a ‘panic’ button on the side of the auto-roll dispenser, wherein you could manually turn the roll should your magic wave not work.  Another saving grace!

7)  Father Knows Best.  I love my dad to pieces, but three things we never agreed on were:  the thermostat, mornings and the amount of toilet paper allowed per use.  Apparently, I had a propensity for using far too much in his eyes.  ‘Not fair’, I thought, as he was only a part-time wiper.  Part-time wipers…men…naturally, aren’t going to use as much.  And, how does he know how much I use anyway?  Musta been his fatherly ‘spidey’ senses (through the door, yet).  He’s good with those.  As it turns out, I should have been able to get the ‘number one’ job done with no more than six squares.  ‘Six squares?  How can I beehive with six squares?’  You need at least eight.  Needless to say, his rule-following didn’t last long, and while I got the occasional reminder, he did let it go most of the time.  Years later, I can see his point, as I was a little free-flowing at times, but counting squares was not for me.  Afterall, I am a Big Wheel spinner, remember?

I am sure that there are points here that I am missing, and I’d love to hear from you if you have stories or more to add to this all-too-familiar subject.  Roll-over or roll-under?  Any empty roll or under-the-door passing situations?  A favourite kind, perhaps, which winds into an excellent beehive?  Butt (pun intended) enough tissue talk for now….I feel a ‘Price is Right’ moment coming on.  By the way, it’s Charmin, triple roll, tough, yet gentle for this household.  Plus, the package has really cute bears on the front of it-maybe because it’s a ‘bare-all’ circumstance.

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